There’s a menace in the skies over Vegas, and I’m not talking about JetBlue pilots. I’m talking about the looming threat of… zombie pigeons.
Yes, zombie pigeons. The flying dead. Necrodoves. Squabs of the damned. Unholy reanimated bird corpses, mindlessly circling overhead on rotted wing, driven by an insatiable hunger for nuts, seeds, and HUMAN BRAINS!
Zombie Pigeons? Are You Serious?
Of course I’m serious! Why would I make up something like this? It would be a colossal waste of everybody’s time!
Where Did the Zombie Pigeons Come From?
Good question. Short answer, nobody knows. Long answer, nobody knows for sure, but numerous experts well-versed in the fields of bird science have come up with some very plausible theories:
· Radioactive meteors.
· Foolish scientists tampering in God’s domain.
· Secret government experiments gone awry.
· Justin Bieber.
· Ancient Mayans.
Any or all of these things could have contributed to the hellish plague of undead, brain-eating birds that now threatens the hapless and helpless population of Nevada.
What Makes Zombie Pigeons So Dangerous?
You mean, besides the whole brain-eating thing? Well, there’s the fact that they’re nearly impossible to kill. If you know anything at all about zombies, then you know the only surefire way to put one down is a double-tap to the brain pan. Unfortunately, the brain pan of a pigeon is what experts refer to as “very small.” Plus, zombie pigeons are always doing that creepy head-bobbing thing. If you try to get in close enough for a kill shot, odds are you’re going to end up with an eyehole full of beak before you pull the trigger.
Also, unlike their living brethren, zombie pigeons can’t be deterred by traditional control methods. They are unstoppable, airborne killing machines that eat pigeon netting and crap wholesale destruction, often all over rooftops, statues, and the windshields of unsuspecting motorists.
How Can I Protect Myself From Zombie Pigeon Attacks?
Zombie pigeons are relentless, merciless, and unstoppable, especially once they get a taste for brains. Your best hope of protecting yourself is to conceal your brain from the undead flock. I recommend wearing a hat and/or listening to talk radio.
If worse comes to worst, and you find yourself under attack, don’t lose hope. You don’t have to outrun the zombie pigeons. You just have to outrun the fat guy in flip flops that’s standing next to you.
What Should I Do If I Spot a Zombie Pigeon?
Zombie pigeons are insanely dangerous, and should only be confronted by a professional with advanced training in pigeon zombiology and zombiometry. If you spot a zombie pigeon, don’t try to be a hero. Get to the nearest phone and call me immediately, and I’ll rush right over to take care of the problem.
When I send zombie pigeons back to hell, they stay dead. Zombie Pigeon Control Guaranteed!
Happy Halloween from Pigeons Be Gone 🙂